where's the joy?

postcard from PostSecret

No, it's not because of the holiday season.

It's unfair to say that.

But I have to blame it on something.

This restlessness I feel.

This constant sighing, wondering what to do next.

Is it too much coffee? I doubt so. The days I don't indulge in the bittersweet beverage, I still get into a weird mood.

There are little (in this context, few) things that give me the satisfactory pleasure or contended happiness these days (please, no funny thoughts on that statement).

Chocolates? Nah. Been binging on it a bit and it's not giving me the "good" vibes.

Exercise? Apart from the feeling that I might've burned a very small amount of calories, I've given up on the notion that endorphins will make me feel comfortably numb. Now it's purely to keep my heart pumping at a regular pace.

Shopping therapy is therapy no more, especially when I don't have the money to spare. Even if I did, what's there to buy when I don’t really need any of it? Apart from what's on my list of things to ease my life or keep me entertained... nope.

I've been keeping up with some social obligations. But that's just all they are. Social obligations. Please don't be offended by it. I need them to a certain extend.

You might've noticed that I've gone on a baking frenzy. I've not been domesticated as commented by a friend of mine. You know how you try to look for something new to do, to see if it brings you an ounce of joy? Honestly speaking... it didn't, really. I was ok with my creations. I was glad I didn't burn the kitchen down. It's great that I didn't have to eat all the food myself and grow into a fat pig. But I'm getting bored very quickly with this temporary hobby of mine.

I don't want to go out. I don't want to stroll in some shopping mall. I don't want to read my books. I don't want to watch TV or movies or even anything I've downloaded. Only thing that's not been banned is my iPod, and even then the tunes have to be the right ones that wail in my ears, otherwise they're at the mercy of the "foward" button.

There's a weird feeling that starts from my stomach which bubbles up to my chest every now and then, settles down for awhile, back up again, and the cycle repeats itself continuously. I really don't know how to describe it. It's definitely uneasiness but not the physical type that makes you want to go to the loo. Not a knot either, it doesn't resemble a tightly knitted entanglement which can't be undone. Sometimes at its most overwhelming point, it almost makes me want to cry.

Maybe it's just PMS. But I never put the blame on it, it's a lousy excuse.

I need an escape route from myself.