9 reasons

“So when you going to Australia ah? I thought you gone already…”

This past year I’ve been asked this too many times, and it’s getting harder and harder to think of a good answer. Just this past week, I was asked twice. Well… good question. Why am I still here?

Years ago while studying in Sydney, I had a dream. I’d wanted to live in that city full of life, with long beautiful beaches, ever-busy markets, quietly unassuming suburbs, adventures lurking in every corner, everything that was so appealing to a young student. After graduation, my choice of job and professional certification were aimed towards acquiring the credits required to apply for permanent residency. About 3 years ago, that dream was granted. And now…

I’m not so sure anymore.

Did I “lose steam” in chasing this dream, even when it’s already within the grasp of my hands? Did I get jaded, disillusioned by something that seems so far away now?

I’ve been thinking about it ever since the day I had that nice 5-year visa pasted on my passport. I know eventually… I’ll get there. It’s something deep in my subconscious that’ll nag me till I up and get my arse down under. Why am I stalling? Having been interrogated many times by external parties, I did some personal interrogation of my own. A thousand and one excuses reasons, of which 9 stood out that are keeping me here for as long as my visa’s expiration date would allow:

My parents aren't getting any younger.
It’s a frightening thought to all of us. They’re getting on in their years, and slowly showing ailments that make them weaker. I'm afraid of losing them when I'm not around. I want to stretch my stay here as long as I can. Who’s to say they won’t go (gulp! touch wood!) when I’m not here later but… I don’t want to think about that.

Duit belum cukup lagi.
I’ve been putting off seriously saving for this big move, for all the other reasons here. Still no buyer for my apartment, which I’m hoping after its sale would boost my $$ position and not have to worry about starving for at least 3 to 6 months without a job. In AUD. Cost of living is so friggin’ expensive there. Frivolous unplanned purchases (see post “a material girl”) aren’t exactly helping either.

Home is where the heart is.
Alright, this is a lousy excuse. But that’s how I see it. I’m not talking about family love and security, it’s the matter of the other heart, know what I mean? And my heart’s not there lah. Tapi, kan… it’s not here either.

I ain’t “white”.
Now this, even I know is a subjective matter. I haven’t really experienced any discrimination while I was a student there. Then again, I was a student. I wasn’t exposed to the larger corporate world. This was told to me by a friend who had been there, done that, and now has decided to settle here instead. “No matter how you try to fit in, lead a life there like one of them… you’ll never exactly fit in.” Ok-lah, this one I will reserve my comments until I get there and experience it myself. But it sure did put some doubt at the back of my mind.

Hilang connection.
Maybe it’s being away from Oz for so long, I don’t seem to have that so-called “connection” with her anymore. Reading the news and updates, looking for jobs and property online just isn’t the same. It’s been… too long, I guess. I’m sure it has changed from what it used to be, from what I used to enjoy about it.

I actually like where I’m working now.
Yea… it’s true. Management holds the company together pretty well. No (or very little) politics. We take care of each other. In all fairness, I’ve only been here for about 5 months. I see quite a lot of potential where its heading, the bigger picture always visible and we could see the efforts that are put in to achieve it. And I respect that. So… I do want to give it a chance to see how far it’ll go. From what I heard, there may be a way to secure a job in Oz via current company, if I play my cards right in the next few months. (Hah! That’s the real reason lah.)

My other, lesser, original reason is reason no longer.
Ha-ha… this one made me feel foolish. There was this guy there (isn’t it just typical??) whom I used to have such a huge liking for. Dated a short while, and needless to say, he broke my heart. Thus he became part of the reason, for me to go back and say “Hey, I’m still around, don’t leave me out of the equation just yet.” Now, it’s like… out of sight, out of mind. Thank gawd. What the heck was I thinking then?

I'm not ready to uproot myself and reinvent the wheel again.
I’m chicken shit. I’m comfortable where I am. I squirm at the thought of a big change. I’m afraid of failing and having to come home with my tail between my legs. (What? I call myself adventurous? Phooey!)

You're not there.


Alaa… pergi je lah, kan.